


This Little Light of Mine

by eyeslikeonyx



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Adoption, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Arguing, Established Relationship, Hospitals, M/M, Premature Birth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 14:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15512184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeslikeonyx/pseuds/eyeslikeonyx
Summary: Sid stares at the small, wrinkly little thing sleeping in the incubator. There’s tubes all around her, feeding her and helping her breathe. She has almost no hair on her sweet little head. She could easily fit in the palms of his hands, she’s so small.





	This Little Light of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> for the fic trope mashups "kid fic" and "anger born of worry"
> 
> cross-posted from my [tumblr](http://eyeslikeonyx.tumblr.com)
> 
> this story does talk about the premature birth of a high risk baby that sid and geno have adopted. it's a little emotional.

Sid stares at the small, wrinkly little thing sleeping in the incubator. There’s tubes all around her, feeding her and helping her breathe. She has almost no hair on her sweet little head. She could easily fit in the palms of his hands, she’s so small.

He feels useless standing here, watching as she tries her hardest to breathe right. The doctors keep telling him that she has a much higher chance of living than most high-risk, premature babies here in the NICU, but that doesn’t stop his anxiety from clawing at his throat.

He loves her so much already, and he would do anything to take that pained look off of her face, to help her sleep peacefully. What a cruel way for someone so innocent and so small to come into the world.

The nurses tell him that he needs to go home for the night so that he can get some sleep and eat and take a shower. He’s too exhausted to argue. Allison is Natalia’s nurse and has been every night he's been here, and he gives her his personal number to call in case anything happens.

He calls Geno to let him know that he’s heading home, but he doesn’t answer. Sid isn’t surprised. Geno had said something about being out with Gonch or someone else again. He shouldn’t be so upset with Geno. He knows that his husband hates hospitals, and he doesn’t want Geno to have another breakdown in the NICU like he did the day Natalia was born.

But he is. He’s so fucking pissed at Geno, he could spit venom.

Geno’s car is in the garage when he makes it back to their house. He calls for Geno from the mudroom, but Geno doesn’t answer. He goes upstairs to see if he’s possibly asleep, but his husband is not in their room. He’s about to go back downstairs when he hears a soft noise come from Natalia’s nursery.

Sid nudges the door open to find Geno sitting in the rocking chair by the crib, holding the fluffy pink penguin they bought for Natalia just a day before they got the call that her mother had gone into labor fourteen weeks early. He can tell Geno’s been crying just from the sniffling noises filling up the quietness of the room.

Sid wants to rip that penguin out of Geno’s hands and scream his fucking head off.

“Sid?” Geno croaks. Sid opens the door all the way, trying to mask the coldness of his face from Geno. He must not have done a good job because Geno looks worried.

“Everything ok?” he has the nerve to ask.

“Is everything ok?” Sid repeats. Geno blinks and flinches a little. “I just spent more than half of my day in the NICU sitting with _our_ daughter who could die any day now, and you’re asking me if everything is _ok?”_

Geno looks like he’s about to say something, but Sid beats him to it.

“I get that you hate hospitals and that you were upset when you first saw her in the incubator, but how fucking _dare you_  for avoiding her! She is just as much yours as she is mine, and you haven’t come to see her since she was born! You haven’t talked about her hardly at all, and you always come up with a million excuses as to why you can’t come up to the hospital with me!”

“Sid–”

“No! I’m fucking tired of this, Geno! She’s your little girl, too, and if you loved her as much as you say you do, you would be there, too!”

Now Geno looks pissed.

“You think I not love her?” he challenges. He rises to his feet, still tightly gripping the penguin in his hand. “Of course I love her!”

“You have a fucking hilarious way of showing it!”

“Can’t stand to see her like that!”

“And you think I don’t? You don’t think it’s hard for me to see her covered in wires from head to toe? You don’t think I feel like the most useless parent in the world knowing that I can’t do anything to help her? That _we_ can’t do anything to help her?”

The tears in Sid’s eyes are falling freely now, and the anger in the pit of his stomach is gone. All that’s left is the deep-rooted fear of this little life that they just brought into their lives being snatched away just as quickly. He falls to his knees on the soft carpet.

“She can’t breathe on her own, G,” he sobs. “Every time she sleeps, she looks like she‘s in so much pain. And there’s nothing I can fucking do about it except hope and pray that the doctors will take care of her and save her. I love her so much. I don’t want to lose her.”

He sits down on the carpet and huddles himself into a tight ball. His hand tugs at the cotton of his t-shirt resting over his heart. He can’t really see anything with how many tears he’s shedding, and he knows his eyes are going to be stinging later.

Geno sits down beside him and pulls him into his body. Sid tries to push him away, but Geno just holds him tighter. Sid finally gives in and sags into his husband defeatedly. Geno manhandles him to lie down with him in the middle of the floor, even though he doesn’t really want to. The heat of Geno around him is enough to get him to comply.

They curl into each other, holding the little pink penguin between them for dear life. The floor isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but Sid doesn’t care. All he’s wanted since seeing Natalia that first time in the NICU just six days ago is to hold her and to have Geno hold him and tell him everything is going to be all right.

He can feel Geno’s teardrops trickling into his hair, and he just holds onto his husband tighter.

“I’m sorry, Sid,” Geno chokes out. “I should be with you both. Love you and Natalia so much. I just--is so painful to see. Wish I could hold her, but know I can’t. Want to stop her pain, too, but know I can’t do that, either. Know you hurting every day, but you still go see her every day and I know I should be there too. You not only one who wants her home.”

Sid sniffs loudly into Geno’s chest.

“I don’t like being up there alone,” Sid quietly confesses. “It’s so cold in that room, and they won’t let her even have a fucking blanket. She can’t wear any clothes yet, and she’s just so fucking _small._ They told me she’s gained a few ounces, but I can’t tell.”

Geno hugs him closer to his body.

“I’m so scared that we’re gonna lose her, G.”

“We not lose her, Sid,” Geno says firmly. There’s no sign of doubt in his voice. Sid’s heart slows down a little. “She strong. Promise you that she be okay. We just be patient and hope for best.”

Sid sighs shakily.

“I know. It’s just hard knowing that we can’t do anything else for her.”

“We be strong for her.”

“She needs her Papa to come be with her. Her daddy can only do so much.”

Geno kisses Sid’s forehead.

“I know.”

 

The next day after practice, Sid tells Geno he’s going to the hospital. To his surprise, Geno gets in the car with him.

When they arrive at Natalia’s room, Geno takes the seat right by the incubator. Sid lets his husband have some alone time with Natalia while he goes to see her birth mother to see how she’s doing since the birth did a lot of damage to her body and to give her news on Natalia’s progress.

When he gets back, he doesn’t expect Geno to have his hand reaching through one of the holes of the incubator. Natalia’s tiny hand is lying on top of Geno’s index finger. Sid can see that Geno has fresh tears tracking down his face, and Sid can’t resist reaching out and taking Geno’s free hand into his own.

Geno leans heavily into Sid, never taking his eyes off of Natalia.

“She so beautiful, Sid,” he whispers.

Sid can sympathize. Natalia is the cutest baby in the world, and she will soon be able to come home and be with her Daddy and Papa. She’s going to be big and strong and tough as nails.

She’s made it this far, and Sid knows she’s going to pull through. If Geno doesn’t doubt her chances of living, then neither does Sid.


End file.
